I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
