oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
