my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
