I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
