if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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