dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
