I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
