she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Enjoy the penises
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
