dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
