Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
