Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
