If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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