I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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