Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
