I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
