I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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