Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
