i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
