i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
