I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
