Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
