Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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