At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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