I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
