he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
