I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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