you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
