they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
