This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
