saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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