I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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