Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
