You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
