I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
