I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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