Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
