My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
