I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
