Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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