Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
