soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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