i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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