I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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