im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
