Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Barsexuality is the new black.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Everyone says I win the strip club
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
