On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
