I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
two words...techno handjob
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
