You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
