his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
