My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
