I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
